does your ceiling fan

have a 'waterfall' setting? you know...those little cords you can pull--lights on, lights off...fan low, fan medium, fan high...waterfall on, waterfall off.
no?
ours does.

i discovered it friday afternoon. i came home after a long drive to and from springfield, to take some boring standardized test so I can get certified to work in the schools....i was driving home through the pouring rain, dreaming of a nap in my cozy bed and some soup. i walked in, heard the sound of water running. and some nasty bugger had turned it to 'waterfall on', while we were gone. it was unreal. water was POURING down from it and all around it...the carpet was soaked. the table had a huge puddle on it. my laptop was in the huge puddle. (im crossing my fingers it will survive, but chances are slim. :( )
after throwing everything i could out of the way (the soak-stains on the carpet and ceiling were moving quickly-about to touch the couch, my backpack, our only piece of real wood furniture...) i grabbed a towel and tried desperately to rescue my laptop. i set it on the floor away from the waterfall, knelt over it, and had a split-second freak out. then i went into survival mode.
in shock, i ran upstairs, following the sound of more water....the toilet tank had a giant crack in it. water was gushing out, emptying the tank, and thus...the water valve did what it does best- fill the tank. again. and again. the floor of the bathroom was a pond.
i ran around the house frantically, sloshing through the mess, emptying buckets and trashcans to use for drip-catchers, throwing towels on everything, cracking open jonny's tool box and pushing things aside, using a wrench to crank the stubborn water valve next to the toilet closed. i called our landlord. he is in India. great. his daughter (is she 17? 18?) is in charge this week. she would call someone. [ i put a 5-gallon bucket under the cracked toilet. cold water filled it at a rate faster than 1 gallon per minute. i know this because between the time i called jonny ('we have an emergency!') and when he walked in the door soaking wet (rode a friend's bike home in the rain) 15 minutes later, i had already dumped the overflowing bucket 3 times. ]

in summary: the 20/30/40 year-old toilet cracked. for no reason. willy nilly. it could have been dumping water out for up to 5 hours. thats 300 gallons. no wonder it soaked through to the ceiling below. everything is wet. and/or muddy. we lived with the water turned off and no toilet for a day. we ordered chinese delivery. i didnt go to work. the floorboards upstairs and down are warping, we have fans running 24/7. our house is a giant humidifier. the heat is on, the windows are steamy. it smells like musk/wet dog. we have 'vacuumed out' the water from the carpet 3 times with a commercial-grade dry vac. the contractor who came poked holes in the ceiling around the fan, so the drywall wouldn't collapse. they'll have to replace it all. water is still seeping up through the cracks in the bathroom floor. no real damage to our personal goods except the beloved laptop. im trying not to think about how to get through midterms this week without my notes.
it could have been worse. it always could have been worse. we're counting our blessings that more wasn't ruined.

in other news: i have walking pneumonia.