A memo.

To: Mr. Dirt Devil

From: Mrs. Mary Young

Date: 12/1/10

Re: Poor Performance Warning

Message

I wish I could simply say "you suck", and leave it at that. But the problem is... you don't.

Allow me to elaborate.

The purpose of this notice is to express my concern regarding your poor work performance as of late. Actually, as of...ever.

You've never been a very valuable member of this team. I should have known when you were willing to work for so little a sum, that you would only reward me for my troubles in hiring you with a half-hearted work ethic and a complete lack of skills in your so-called area of expertise.

As co-chair of this establishment, I have offered you benefits, lodging, and even a stipend for new equipment as needed. I do not think that my demands are extravagant. I ask that you stay quietly resting in your appointed spot until called upon to assist me. At that time, I expect top quality work for a very short amount of time.

Unfortunately, your performance has been extremely haphazard, you require constant maintenance and supervision, and cause undue stress on the other members of this team each time your services are utilized. You obviously take no pride in your work and show no loyalty to this organization. Your behavior reflects a grudging attitude that is not welcome here.

To put it simply, you are a complete disappointment.

You haven been given ample time to show improvement, yet I have seen none. In fact, if it were possible, I'd imagine that you've actually decreased in productivity over the last three years. I view this as a breach of contract, and take it very personally. In addition, the requirements of your particular position have recently changed in complexity and depth. In light of this development and based on your track record, I have reason to believe that you are no longer fit for the task.

As a result of these infractions, the owners of this enterprise have decided to terminate your employment, if no improvement is made in the next month. Keep in mind, Mr. Devil, that hundreds of capable others stand ready to replace you this very moment.

Please consider this a warning.

Best,

A frustrated housewife doing a thankless job with a worthless piece of equipment which could be made 100 times more enjoyable with a vacuum that actually works.

aka. Mary A. Young

Co-Chair of the Young Household