on a Thursday.

What happens to a girl on a Thursday?

On a Thursday after a particularly rough night.
On a Thursday after a particularly rough night which leads to sleeping in.
On a Thursday after a particularly rough night which leads to sleeping in and missing yoga class.

She is imbalanced, unfocused.
Unrecognizable, even to herself.
No one to blame.
Unable to pinpoint the root of this.
Terrified to find it.

She gets dressed, then puts her sweats back on.
Nothing on the agenda, after all.
Tries to force her heart to feel what her mind can easily accept.
Opens her scriptures but stares blankly at the page.
Makes breakfast. The bread is rendered tasteless, the smoothie too frothy.

She sits on the bed, watching the rain fall, feeling as gray as the sky.
Heart simultaneously bursting at the seems and then, completely empty.
Mind unable to form a coherent thought or prayer to a God.
Doubt creeps in like a fog. Fears swallow her whole.
Hours pass. Isolation presses in, heavy.

She reads and reads and indulges in far too much introspection.
Conflicted emotions. Questions.
Recalling the joy in her life, unable to escape the sorrows.
The gaping holes, duct-taped together and covered up.
A smiling face walking through the day.
Wounds never fully healed.
Some fresh, some long forgotten, rehashed in this hour of weakness.

She puts on shoes. Goes outside.
Chasing the sun, darting behind clouds.
Walking the dogs. Arms sore. Puts them away,
Before frustration leads to abuse.

She moves erratically through the house.
Everything to do and no will to do it.
Staring at the dirty floor. Stopping to cry at every doorway.
Traitorous tears that slip out, forbidden.

She can feel herself loosing control.
The walls seem to suffocate.
Consideres going for a swim to stroke out her thoughts.
And the gym, with its bright lights and people.
Too much.
Fears of drowning overtake.

She jumps in the car, drives. Shaking.
Aimlessly. Through town.
Up to the mountains. Seeking an overlook, never finding.
Trying to breathe, in, out, in, out.
Confusion. Irrational impulses come strong, unwitting.
Ever closer. Inches from the edge.

She steers herself home in a daze.
Cursing the loneliness she seeks.
Praying someone will call, anyone.
Then, ignoring the buzz of the phone,
No words for an acquaintance.
No words for herself.

She does the dishes, forcing normalcy.
Hot water burns her idle hands, in a moment of neglect.
The deed completed.
Her face is dripping like the bowls and cups.

She writes. A moment of clarity.
A realization surfaces from deep within.
Peeking, a glimmer. She has power, can change this day.
Feels herself thawing out, touching fingertips.

She looks in the mirror, scrutinizing.
Efforts are made for a man arriving any second.
A day wasted, lost to the trap of sadness.
He comes inside, speaks gently.
Love is there.

A new leaf.